The Therapist Poetry Podcast

Navigating Identity, Autism, and Self-Discovery Through Poetry

In this insightful episode of the podcast, we had the pleasure of speaking with Natalie, a poet whose powerful words reflect her journey of self-discovery and transformation. Natalie shared the story behind her heartfelt poem, I Don’t Know Who I Am Here, offering a glimpse into her life during a period of profound transition.

The Backstory: A Journey of Change and Reflection

Natalie revealed that the poem was written during the second year of her degree in person-centered counseling at the University of Warwick. At the time, she was pregnant and navigating an intense period of emotional turmoil. Reflecting on her experiences, she described feeling disconnected from herself and overwhelmed by her environment.

“I moved away from my family about nine years ago, and I think that sense of being away from home really tied into the emotions in this poem. It was about belonging, identity, and mourning the person I used to be.”

A year ago, Natalie was diagnosed with autism at the age of 32. This new perspective reshaped the meaning of her poem, helping her understand that many of the emotions she experienced were tied to struggles with self-regulation as an autistic person.

The Poem: I Don’t Know Who I Am Here

Here’s the poignant poem Natalie shared during the episode:

I Don’t Know Who I Am Here

I don’t know who I am here,
so far away from home.
I used to sit so proudly
on my rural throne.

I died when I left my comfort,
my confidence forgot.
I complain about my family,
but in truth, I miss my lot.

I knew who I was there.
I knew where I fit.
I loved every inch of it,
every little bit.

I didn’t have to worry
about where I belong.
It wasn’t until I left there
I knew I was home there all along.

I seem to cry so much now.
I never did before.
Half the time,
I don’t even know what I’m crying for.

But I’m no longer met with concern,
sympathy, or love—
just people thinking,
“For God’s sake, not again,”
or “Lord up above.”

So I ask, if you see me crying,
please just let me be.
I don’t know who I am here,
and I’m mourning the old me.

The Shift in Meaning

Initially, the poem captured Natalie’s feelings of displacement and a longing for home. After her autism diagnosis, she recognized a deeper layer of meaning.

“When I look back, I realize I wasn’t just overly emotional—I was dysregulated. Moving environments was overwhelming, and I wasn’t equipped to process it at the time.”

This transformation illustrates the power of poetry to reveal truths about ourselves, sometimes long after the words have been written.

The Impact of Late Autism Diagnosis

Natalie shared her journey toward an autism diagnosis, describing the challenges and fears she faced. She discussed how societal perceptions often dismissed her experiences and how discovering her neurodivergence allowed her to embrace both her struggles and strengths.

“Since getting the diagnosis, I’m a lot more forgiving of myself. I’ve recognized the traits that can be challenging but also the incredible strengths, like my ability to hyper-focus and complete assignments quickly.”

Natalie encouraged others who may suspect they are autistic to consider seeking a diagnosis, emphasizing the clarity and self-acceptance it can bring.

Final Thoughts

Natalie’s story and poem offer a heartfelt exploration of identity, transition, and the journey toward understanding oneself. Her ability to reflect on her experiences through poetry provides a voice for those who may feel similarly lost or disconnected.

If this resonates with you, take a moment to revisit her poem, keeping in mind the layers of meaning tied to her autism diagnosis. It’s a powerful reminder that our stories—and the way we interpret them—can evolve over time.

Thank you, Natalie, for sharing your journey and your beautiful words with us.